She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I looked at my own cervix.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
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I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
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Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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