my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
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i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
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"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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