Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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