I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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