I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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