I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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