I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
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There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
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I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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