It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize