I want you more than these girls want KFC
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
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My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
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And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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