Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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