from now on my penis is your penis
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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