I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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