So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
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Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
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Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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