My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
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The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
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In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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