I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
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She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
BRING THE BAGELS
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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