Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
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There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
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My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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