Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
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Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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