She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize