I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
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I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
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She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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