I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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