his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
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Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
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I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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