Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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