Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
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Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
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Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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