I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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