Nicole vs. Life
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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