i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
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Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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