Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
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I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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