Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I need water and some morals
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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