when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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