sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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