We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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