i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He better not be in your backpack
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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