I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
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pedialite and red bull = repair kit
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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