Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
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I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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