The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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