His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
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Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
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Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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