I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
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Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
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He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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