I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
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Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
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I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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