Tell her she can't have a vagina
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Is Oprah even human
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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