I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize