4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
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you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
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WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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