how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
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You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
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Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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