Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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