Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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