God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize