brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
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i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
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Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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