The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
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My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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