Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
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I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
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I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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