So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
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Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
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Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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