omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
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he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
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Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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